Guest Post: What to Expect When You’re Expecting….To Live with Brett and Vanessa

An open letter to Rhonda from Jackie and Foxy (former roomies of Brett and Vanessa):

We moved in with Brett in October 2009 after reading his Craigslist ad and viewing the apt for less than 5 minutes. To be fair, he had only met one of us in person. This is an open letter to Rhonda: what to expect when you’re expecting to live with Brett and Vanessa for a year.

Foxy and I had been together for 5 years when we moved in with Brett, but she fell in love with Brett the minute she saw him. He’s a handsome dude…but keep your distance. Vanessa looks sweet, but she won’t hesitate to choke a bitch. Brett reciprocated her love by penning a beautiful song on his guitar about Foxy’s poop. I’m sure you’ll hear it and know it by heart soon.

Brett is not what I’d call a handyman, but what he lacks in experience, he makes up for in enthusiasm and creativity. Over a period of weeks, Brett disassembled and repaired his malfunctioning toilet tank assembly. Using a kit and sometimes unconventional methods, Brett had a will to stop sharing my bathroom…and he found success. This success was celebrated by Brett yelling the news to the neighborhood from the balcony (“I’m a man!! I fixed my toilet!!”) and celebrated by our very un-New York neighbors who yelled back with their congrats.

Vanessa moved in about two years later for the summer…which turned into a year (due to delays you are well aware of). One would think adding an extra person to a small household would be challenging, and sometimes exacerbated by adding two girls to the mix. Let me assure you, this is not the case. Vanessa is the most considerate and accommodating person you could have the pleasure of spending a year with. She will cook you dinner, make fun of your ex-boyfriends and tell you that skirt makes you look like a skank, but it’s really working for you. Vanessa is also full of fun creative surprises. She can make smoked salmon look like vaginas, pickle her own pickles, and turn beer into lemonade. She can turn a lamp into an IV drip. She will buy you a cake on your birthday and write a card that will make you cry. And she’s the kind of friend who will hold your hair out of the toilet when you’re hungover (so she can get a better picture of your face).

I also realize you must be intimidated to take a hungry poop-powerhouse like Brett on a long trip with you, but I assure you, Vanessa has never once pooped in the time I’ve known her, so it will all even out in the end.

As great as Brett and Vanessa are apart, together they are more than a sum of their parts. They inspire and support each other, compound on each other’s jokes, and make up for what the other lacks. My favorite evening with the two of them was on Christmas. I had totaled my car only days before and making the effort to visit my family was too much. Vanessa was unable to fly home to New Mexico, and Brett was Jewish.  Vanessa decided to make a rack of lamb/beef from a calendar recipe and we all got hammered playing scrabble and reciting amateur erotic fiction in a terrible Boston accent. We exchanged gifts by the utility closet and I passed out while straining to hear Brett and Vanessa getting it in through our bedroom walls.

But I assure you, they are not just fun and games. Brett will vouch for your sobriety to get you in a bar even as you fall down a flight of stairs directly next to the bouncer. Vanessa will look for your lost retainer in your vomit-soaked pants pockets without a complaint. And they’ll get you home safe.

You guys are going to have a great trip. 🙂

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It’s Electric!

So what happens when my damn microwave stops working?

First, Vanessa and Brett both simultaneously freak the hell out! Poor Vanessa just downloaded the top 20 recipes to make in a microwave! How the hell is she supposed to make lasagna in a cup?

Then they find out that the electrical outlets are not working either.

Ummmmmm, WHAT THE EFF! Three weeks before take off and we have no electricity! After watching Vanessa and Brett try and figure out if I have a fuse problem, and seeing sparks fly out, they decided that maybe professionals should handle this. THANK GOD. Stay tuned….bwoogie woogie woogie!

This brought to you by another Rhonda Rant

Take It All—The Liberation of Selling All Your Stuff!

I’ve been owned by my stuff for quite some time. From my first ‘adult’ living room set I bought fresh out of college to the house I stupidly purchased at the height of the damn bubble. I’ve been looking for a way to break away from all the crap that I feel constrained by.

Hence this trip. So why does the idea of not owning a couch start to freak me out? When you are an adult, you are supposed to buy nice things right? Well now that I’m an adult, I freaking hate moving that adult shit everywhere I go.

Luckily, Rhonda figured it all out for me! Can’t fit a queen pillow top bed in an RV? Craigslist that shit! Wait, you’re telling me I can’t fit a couch either? I’ll sell this couch, which I bought after meticulously spending hours online and perusing furniture stores, to the next person who shows interest! And before you know it, you are using patio furniture in the living room. Ha!

Furniture

I felt I had to keep one adult thing, not for Rhonda, but in storage—my kitchen table. The stupid love I have for that thing is weird. Is it because of its versatility? Nope. Is it because of its high top, circular shape that reminds me of any table you would hang out with friends at any bar getting hammered? Probably.

So there you have it. It feels quite liberating to only own one kitchen table. And thanks to some dear friends who just moved into their new house and are in need of extra furniture, I can keep my big girl bed.

posted by a furniture-less Vanessa